On Foster Care
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
I started writing this blog several months ago and was essentially finished with it around that time as well. In that version of this blog I argued for why Christians should participate in foster care. I also cited lots of facts and figures to show that if one family from each church across the US took in one child from foster care then all the children currently waiting in foster care for a family would be satisfied. Just one family per church. Not five families per church, or five foster children per church-just one foster family per church, and one foster child for that family. If that were to happen then Christians would show the world that they are serious about following Yahweh’s command to love their neighbor as themselves.
But I’m not writing that blog anymore. Now I’m writing while standing on the other side of the news that my wife and I got a few weeks back that our current foster child will be leaving us to go stay with kin. Since we found that out my concept of foster care has changed drastically. Let me explain why.
We took in our current foster child straight from the hospital when he was just a couple months old. He was left there by his mother who was unable to care for him. We are the only parents he’s ever known, and the only family he’s ever had. Our other son is the only brother he’s ever known and his best friend. He is fully part of our family as our son. His leaving feels like we are giving our child away to a stranger. Even though we’ve only had him for 8 months it feels like this.
When you get involved in foster care you learn quickly that it’s not the process you should engage in if what you really want to do is to adopt children. Sure, children do get adopted out of foster care. We even did that once before. But the primary goal of foster care is to take care of children until they can be reunited with their parents. And that’s a wonderful goal. We serve a God who is focused on reconciliation and who calls us to be as well (2 Corinthians 5:18-20). We all go through difficult times in this life. For some those difficult times are exacerbated by the fact that their children are taken from them until they can get through their difficulties. We Christians can help ease those difficulties for them if we take in their children via foster care.
Let me make quick mention of a few other reasons why Christians should participate in foster care.
All children have been created in the image of God and are of inestimable value. They deserve to be loved and cared for from the moment they arrive in this world.
We are called to love the “least of these”. ‘These’ meaning God’s children. We will be judged upon our service to our brothers and sisters in this life. Matthew 25: 31-46
To show the world that we obey what God commands in His Word. Mark 12: 29-31, John 15: 9-14, James 1: 27
To care for children who have been abandoned, abused, mistreated, or have just been in a bad situation, in order to serve Christ. Matthew 16: 24-26
Okay, now a quick caveat: my writing these four reasons does not mean that all Christians in all situations are called to foster care. God has given us all gifts and callings in this life that are to be used for His glory. Some people might not have the means to care for foster children, or they might have their hands full with the children God has given to them biologically. Some might be past the age for when fostering makes sense, and some might not be old/mature/wise enough at their stage of life. Some may just not have the right living arrangements to adequately care for foster children. I write this just to be clear that I’m not calling people disobedient just because they aren’t currently fostering. It also doesn’t mean that my wife and I have reached some perfect level of obedience because we do foster. If you know either of us you know that’s not true. So, with that caveat out of the way let me tackle the number one excuse I hear for why people are unwilling to be foster parents.
The most prevalent reason I hear for why people are unwilling to be foster parents is that it would hurt them too much if the foster child left to go live with kin or their parents again. Essentially the response is this: “Oh, I could never do that because I’d love them too much.”
I’m not even going to bad mouth that response because it’s pretty much the way I thought about things not too long ago. But if we dissect that statement we see that it’s purely selfish in nature. The person who says that is essentially saying: “Oh you want me to take in that child who has been abused/neglected/mistreated and doesn’t have a family? Nah, can’t do that. It would hurt my heart if I did and then had to see them move away. Let’s just let them languish without a loving family to take them in. Maybe someone who won’t love them will take them in…”
That statement also implicates those who do foster as people who don’t love their foster children, at least not “too much” because they are willing to “give them away”.
If you’re honest with yourself you know that’s what it means if you make that statement. But let me ask you a question: If you had your children taken from you by Children’s Services would you want them to go to a family who would love them so much that it would hurt them when they were returned to you? Or let’s put it another way: If you were a child taken from your family would you want a loving Christian family to take you in?
If you answered either of these questions in the affirmative then I think you should start praying about participating in foster care. There are lots of ways to get involved that don’t even involve taking in children for extended periods of time. Ask me the next time you see me.
Now, let’s look at the C.S. Lewis quotation at the beginning of this blog. “To love is to be vulnerable.” Lewis wrote. Yep, that’s the truth. The past few weeks have shown it to be true to my wife and me. It’s a truism that foster care will teach everyone who participates in it. But guess what foster care will also teach you — things that are difficult to learn in other ways, namely how to love as God has loved you all along, you foster child of Yahweh’s you: sacrificially, vulnerably, patiently, and unapologetically. Foster care will refine you in unexpected ways as you start to internalize how good and gracious God has been to welcome you into His family while you languished in this life abused, neglected, and mistreated by this world. And if you have biological children and you foster you’ll be faced with the reality that even the children you had biologically have just been given to you to take care of for a limited amount of time. They don’t belong to you; they belong to their Creator. You get the awesome and fearful privilege of caring for them for however long God deems fit.
I want to wrap up by encouraging all who read this post to prayerfully consider participating in foster care. Our church has a handful of families who already do, what a testimony to the watching world if one of the distinctives of the Village was that we took in the “least of these”. Take advantage of these families by asking us about our experience and how best to get involved. And feel free to say the “wrong” thing about foster care—I do it all the time. You don’t know until you know, don’t be embarrassed to put yourself out there.