Seeing Jesus in Marriage
I’m currently reading Tim & Kathy Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage which is a practical book about viewing and living out marriage biblically. In Chapter 5, titled “Loving the Stranger,” Keller writes about the inevitability of sin and personal change in marriage – both significant challenges to a husband and wife’s relationship.
Although the chapter’s focus is the relationship between truth, love, and grace in marriage, one of my main takeaways was all the tangible illustrations of how marriage reflects Jesus’ relationship with the church. Below is a summary of 9 parallels I found between these relationships.
Unity: A relationship of the greatest intimacy
Marriage: Marriage is the most intimate human relationship as it merges the home, finances, plans, and entire lives of a man and woman over the course of a lifetime. As people receive love differently, spouses learn over time how to express love in the unique ways each other best comprehends.
Jesus: When the Son of God took on human flesh, God revealed His love for people in a way they could understand (Hebrews 2:14-18). For Christians who receive this love and who have been forever united with Christ, there is no greater bond.
Love: A relationship that affirms and heals
Marriage: Spousal love has the unmatched ability to affirm the distinct beauty and worth of a person, to heal his wounds and the negative verdicts he’s received from others and himself. The close contact with which a husband and wife live gives their view of each other the most credibility, and as this admiration grows, so does the strengthening, healing power of a spouse’s praise.
Jesus: The Gospel reveals that the God of the universe intimately loves and cares for each of His people, despite their failure to love and obey Him (John 3:16). In Christ, God sees His people as righteous, holy, and beautiful (Romans 4:5; 2 Corinthians 5:21) – their worth is secure.
Truth: A relationship that reveals weakness
Marriage: The closeness with which married people live – in constant contact with each other and with nowhere to hide – exposes weaknesses and flaws that otherwise would remain hidden, even to oneself. It forces people to develop a realistic view of themselves and to deal with it.
Jesus: Jesus, as One who dwells in the light (1 John 1:7), reveals sin in His people. This relationship exposes sin that already existed; it doesn’t create it. With growing intimacy with Christ comes a growing realization of how perfect He is and how imperfect humans are. But, He doesn’t reveal this to shame or condemn, but to graciously lead His people to change.
Hurt: A relationship that is most affected by sin
Marriage: Because of the closeness of marriage and the surpassing affection spouses have for one another, their sin hurts each other most. As Keller puts it,
“the one person in the whole world who holds your heart in her hand, whose approval and affirmation you most long for and need, is the one who is hurt more deeply by your sins than anyone else on the planet” (p180).
Jesus: Christ set aside His glory to die for the sins of His people (Philippians 2:5-8). Thus, sin against Him is a rejection, betrayal, and ultimate crucifixion of the One who gave His life for that sinner.
Change: A relationship that brings about growth
Marriage: The primary purpose of marriage isn’t individual happiness. Spouses aren’t meant to leave each other unchanged or unchallenged, nor to come alongside each other’s goals and desires without question. Rather, God gives spouses to help His people along the journey of “growing out of sins and flaws into the new self He is creating” (p149).
Jesus: One’s relationship with Jesus is not ultimately to fulfill that person’s desires or goals, but is to develop holiness through increasing devotion to God (Romans 8:28-30).
Faithfulness: A relationship that remains committed
Marriage: In marriage, a husband and wife retain their vows to each other despite their flaws. They don’t seek “someone better” elsewhere when flaws are revealed, but work through the difficulty and look forward to finding “someone better” in future, sanctified versions of each other. In the same way, spouses constantly strive to present themselves as better people to one another.
Jesus: Jesus is faithful to His people even when they sin against Him. He doesn’t seek another, “better” people because He has already chosen them from before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4-6) and promises to hold them fast (Philippians 1:6).
Growth: A relationship that develops devotion
Marriage: Faithfulness is especially needed as couples transition from the early stages of infatuation to encountering sin and even seasons of feeling like they’re married to completely different people. In these scenarios in which spouses risk becoming disillusioned, love becomes a deliberate, committed choice. Over time, this working to love each other strengthens a couple’s devotion.
Jesus: The Christian life cycles between seasons of zealous infatuation with the Lord and seasons of distantly struggling to love Him. During periods of suffering or disappointment, Christians expecially labor to trust, love, and even see God. But, by His grace, God’s people remain faithful and their faith grows as a result of the trials He brings them through (Romans 5:3-5; James 1:2-4).
Grace: A relationship built on truth and love
Marriage: Couples must learn the ability to combine truth and love in their marriage. Only focusing on each other’s flaws will shatter the trust that has been built up, resulting in withdrawal or retaliation. Only lovingly affirming each other results in an illusion of unity that hinders growth. By combining the two, spouses create a safe, loving refuge where spouses can acknowledge, admit, and work to repent of their sin.
Jesus: A believer’s relationship with Jesus is also founded on truth and love. The Gospel tells people the truth that they are so evil and sinful that Jesus had to die for them, yet they are so loved and valued that Jesus was willing to do so. People are sinners, yet in His grace, Jesus simultaneously and completely loves and accepts them (Romans 5:8).
Forgiveness: A relationship that reflects the Gospel
Marriage: Truth and love are most notably combined in the practice of forgiveness. Sin is inevitable in marriage, but resulting distance, revenge, or bitterness can be avoided. Out of the joy and freedom of Jesus’ forgiving grace toward her, a spouse is empowered to forgive her partner’s sin in her heart before ever confronting it. As Keller puts it,
“One of the most basic skills in marriage is the ability to tell the straight, unvarnished truth about what your spouse has done and then, completely, unself-righteously, and joyously express forgiveness without a shred of superiority” (p184).
Jesus: Rather than taking revenge or holding his superiority over sinners, Jesus emptied Himself, taking on the role of a servant, and died to forgive His people (Philippians 2:7-8). A relationship with Christ is founded on His forgiveness. As a result, Jesus’ people experience the humility to admit their faults before the Lord and the joy and confidence that He will forgive them (1 John 1:9). Furthermore, this same humility, joy, and confidence in Christ empowers Christians to show forgiveness toward others.
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Marriage was made to reflect the bond between Christ and the Church, to embody the unity, love, truth, hurt, change, faithfulness, growth, grace, and forgiveness experienced in that mysterious, beautiful relationship. In sharing this list, I pray any reader – married, unmarried, or wanting to be married – recognizes and upholds God’s design for marriage and is encouraged to pursue Christ-likeness in themselves.